Moving Forward

This is my last letter to him. I sent it yesterday [031709] via e-mail. He replied with an SMS this morning [evening there] since his monitor is not yet fixed and more alibis. I appreciated his reply but it's now time to let go.

I didnt edit the content of this letter. I only edited our names here. But for those who know our story, you know who is the person I love the most. The one I'm letting go. 

I just want to share this. Many of friends are telling me to MOVE ON and I am doing it now. I think, this will help. In what way? I have no idea. I am just sure that after this letter, there's no turning back. 

Today is a supposed-to-be-third-year-anniversary day. A supposed-to-be-HIM-and-I day. A supposed-to-be-happy day. Only supposed-to-be's, not reality.

Honestly, I am finding it hard to move one because I want to hold you. I want to keep you. I dont want anybody else but you. But it in our case right now, it's very impossible.

You know what, this is harder than expected. But I agree with you when you decided that we're better off this way so I must deal with this, right? No one is to be blame because we both agreed on this. You didnt insist.

After this day, I'll stop hoping than you and I will be together again. Hoping makes me want to always ask if you're ok. I will just annoy you with my comments and SMSs. I am fully letting you go. I'll pick up the pieces again to make me feel that I am complete even without you.

I know, that will be hard. It is hard to forget the person I loved for more than three years, and will always love. But I have to. I need to, so that you can move forward, not worrying about what I will feel, about me. 

 

This is the hardest decision I have ever made because I know, I will lose the person I love the most. But like what I have said, I have to even if it is against my will. Even if it will hurt me a lot.

 

Let me tell you this for the very last time HIM.

I love you so much baby. Thank you for being a part of me. Thanks a bunch. I have always appreciated you and will always do. I apologize for all the things that made you sad, irritated, angry, frustrated. Ingat, ok? I am always here. I love you.

This is hard you know. I am trying not to cry while I am typing this but the tears kept on falling. Stupid tear glands. Have a nice day HIM Until we meet again.

 

Toxic

Ano ba yan. Patapos na ang ibang school. Nagka-count down na sila para sa summer vacation, samantalang kami, ako, eto at nangangarag pa din sa dami ng requirements na kapag tinamad ako, goodbye dean's list na ang mangyayari sa buhay ko. Toxic na kung tutuusin ang mga pinapagawa sa amin. 

FSTUDY5: Gumawa ng assessment tool na i-implement sa chosen class. Hindi to problema kasi ang bait nung sa school na napuntahan namin. KASO, MONDAY na daw namin i-implement, sabi nung teacher, periodicals na daw kaso. KAMON. Last wednesday lang to sinabi sa amin. Akala namin, next week pa kami gagawa. Ayy grabe naman talaga. Hassle. Buti na lang AC ang REMDENG. Kaya after ASESLE1 [8:00-930] eh punta na agad kami sa KABAYANAN [San Juan] para magturo. Nakakaloka. May hinahabol pa kami pabalik gawa nung sa LANGRES. naloloka na ako ha.

AFROASN: Gumawa ng literary criticism sa alinman sa apat na libro na pinapabasa niya. Yung akin, CONCISE CHINESE-ENGLISH DICTIONARY FOR LOVERS. Erotic. Mawawala ang grammar skills pag binasa ito. Makikita ang difference ng Western and Eastern Culture. Anyway, ok naman sana to kaso. WALA AKONG BACKGROUND KUNG PAANO MAG CRITIQUE NG ISANG LITERARY TEXT. Ang inaasahan ko kasi na magtuturo sa amin, itago na lang natin sa pangalan MS. CUTIFY-YOUR-WORK, eh pinagturo ba naman kami sa mga LIT CLASSES nang hindi man lang kami tinuturuan kung paano ang magturo ng lit. Ayos di ba? Sa ngayon, medyo ngarag pa ako kasi hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapasok ung theory ko. Tapos, nahihirapan akong magpaliwanag. Sana, matapos ko to ngayon para mamaya, FILKOMU naman.

FILKOMU: Sagutan ang mga tanong tungkol sa pinanood na dula, SAN TAYO DADALHIN NG DISYEMBRE?. Nakakalito ung play, pero ok lang naman siya. Nahihirapan lang ako dun sa pali-paliwanag. HIndi naman kasi ako nakinig ng ayos. Nakakaantok eh. Tapos, wala. Hindi ko feel ang mga ganitong activity. Aanhin pa ba nila ang opinyon kung hindi naman nila babaguhin ung paraan ng pagpapalabas nila?

EDUCRSC: hay. ITO ANG PINAKABORING NA CLASS NA NAPASUKAN KO, EVER! Pag ito nang klaseng to, wala, TIME FLIES REAL SLOW. Grabe. Wala. Wala akong natututunan dito. Nagkakaroon lang ako ng kasalanan pag anfito ako sa klaseng ito. Grabe talaga.EDNA-MODE. HIndi ko siya kinakaya. Paano pa kaya namin matatapos ang aming research study kung puro sya lecture ng mga bagay na sa tingin ko, makakalimutan din namin? Anu ba yan! 

LANGRES: Isa pa to. NAloloka na ako sa mga RRL. Sana kasi, imbes na pinagreport niya kami ay eto na lang iyung pinagawa niya kasi kinakapos na kami sa oras. Magsasara na yung mga schools kasi summer vacation na. Naloloka na talaga ako ah. TAMA BANG PAGSABAYIN ANG 2 RESEARCH COURSE SA ISANG TERM???????

REMDENG: Ang aming case study class. Naaawa na ako sa participant namin kasi parang nabibigyan din namin sya ng extra work load. Pero babawi na lang kami sa kanya sa pamamagitan ng token of appreciation. Anyway, buti at medyo naayos na namin to ni mylove. Sinisimulan ko na din kasi ayaw ko nang magcram. Pati kailangan kong bumawi. Ito ang magsasalba sa grade ko.

ASESLE1: Ang TEST PROJECT. Haaay. Tinatamad akong mag-edit pero kailangan. Anu ba yan. Pero kung tutuusin, ams madali to kesa dun sa class ni Mr. MAGNO. Numbers. Graph. Kurtosis. WAAAH! Nakakaloka! Masaya na ako kay Ms. Lara :D

KASPIL2: WAAAH. Patapos na ang term ay hindi pa rin namin narereceive iyung mail galing sa kanya. Hindi pa rin namin nasasagutan iyung mga research questions at nakakagwa ng written report. Grabe talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. MAy jinx ata mga account namin. Yung sa group lang namin iyung hindi niya nasesendan. Feeling na niya siguro, pinagkakaisahan na namin siya. BOO.

Kailan kaya matatapos ang term na to? Ito na kasi ang pinaka sa lahat. Grabe. Hassle. Hinahanda na kami sa hassle THIRD YEAR LIFE. Sana kayanin ko pa, namin. Woo!

It's done.

im goddamned disappointed with you. you proved me wrong. i feel so stupid. i always accept your alibis. i never asked you to explain. i am freaking mad. i dont know if i did something wrong. i have no idea. all i know is that im really annoyed with what YOU ARE DOING. i guess, we’re not really for each other. why try to make it work if it really won’t work? damnit. you know how much i love. my life would suck without. but i have to face this on my own. YOU HAVE BEEN SO INSENSITIVE. i font have to tell you the instances that you’ve been like that. i hate you. you didnt even care. you know what, i think that im the one who is selfish in our relationship because i keep think that you should do this and that. that you should act like this and that. but in the end, i realized that i should not do that. why? because i loved you the way you are. changes are not needed, only imrovements and adjustments. and besides, if you will change, you’re not the same person i lovef before. but now. after what you’re doing, i think that you’re the one who is selfish. you know what, what im feeling right is too hard to release that it is killing me. you mean everything to me but you just throw that away., thanks for that v, you made me realize how stupid i am to give everything to the one who is not willing or even open to give the same amount of love. thank you.

Anxiety Attack

The feeling of being left behind starts to haunt me.

He’ll leave again for London this Friday. And it’s not yet sure when will he be back, this coming July or January next year due to family reasons. Boo.

It’s his third time to leave for London. It’s the third time that he’ll leave me. And yet, the sadness is still there. 

Right now, I cant help but cry. Weird. It’s not the first time but I dont want him to leave. BUt like what he’s always telling me, he has to. I dont know why is this happening to me. I guess, it’s because I consider him as my other half. The half that makes me complete. It seems like  I am dependent to him but it is just because no one understands me the way he do.

By the time he’s on his way back to London, everything will not be the same. Although we dont see each other everyday and just send SMSs, it’s still better. it feels like he is so near that I can just go to his house and surprise him. Unlike when he’s in London. It’s a thousand miles away from here. From me. 

Long distance relationship is not easy as it looks like. It takes a lot of effort. Patience. Trust. Communication and Love. I hope we make it till the end. 

PS:  I’ll miss him a lot. :And I love him so much.

Acceptance

I just can’t stop loving that man of mine. Or shall I say, my former man? 
It’s a phase I don’t know if I can move on to the next one. Everytime I decide to begin a new life, the not-so-good memories flash bak.Evrytime I try to be happy, tears start to flow. Everytime I try to forget whathappened, what had been said and done start to run in my mind. Everytime I try to sleep peacefully at night, his face suddenly appear in my dreams. Everytime I tell myself that I’ll be all right, I just know that I’m just pretending.

Harsh words were spoken and actions were done. Those can’t be taken back anymore. Those already stabbed me pretty hard. The good thing is that the wounds start to dry up and soon, will be scars. Scars that will remind me of everything since the day we realized that we’re somehow meant for each other.

Now, there’s no need for patching things up, just closure. For in fact, nothing’s gonna be the same. Just have to accept the fact that we already reached the end. Life goes on no matter what happened. Every after fall, I should always stand up.

Through skinned knees and wounded heart, I already learned my lesson. Life is too beautiful to waste so I should make the most out of it. If this didn’t work, maybe the next one will. I already realized what my shortcomings are. What I should change and improve. A relationship is a two-way thing. Both of you should benefit from it. In our case, we have too much differences that we could not resolve anymore. At least, I have no regrets.

HE has been the BEST BOYFRIEND I ever had. Bitter? Of course, not. I’m sayingit from my heart. I will really miss him. I had a great time spending an almost three year relatiionship with him. Though our relationship is like a “switch”, we know that we’re true to each other. I just love you, bhy. I really do.

I know, I’m getting there.

"Iiyak iyak siya ngayon..."

Aray. Iyan na ang ikalawa sa pinakamasakit na sinabi niya. Ang sakit.

Kung sa bagay, ano nga naman ba ang karapatan niyang umiyak? SIya naman ang nagsabi na huwag na muna magtext ah. Pero may matinong bang lalaki na matitiis na hindi magtext? Na susundin ang lahat ng sinabi ng babae? Paano kung sinabi niya na magpakamatay na lang siya. gagawin din ba niya?

Ang hirap.

Iiyak iyak siya ngayon kasi nasasaktan siya sa mga nangyari. Kasi iyon din lang ang alam niyang gawin para kahit paano mailabas niya lahat ng sama ng loob niya. Kasi iyon lang iyong naiisip niyang paraan para hindi ka niya masumbatan. Kasi para sa kanya, mas mabuti pang umiyak na lang siya kaysa sabihin sa kanya lahat ng hinanakit niya. Kasi sa pag-iyak, doon niya mas nailalabas kung anu man ang nararamdaman niya, bukod sa pagsusulat niya ng mga ganito at pagkukwento sa ilang malalapit na kaibigan.

Iiyak iyak siya ngayon kasi hindi niya akalain na matitiis siya ng ganoon. HIndi niya akalain na parang nabalewala lang ang halos tatlong taon na.. Na tila ba wala na lang iyon sa kanya. Hindi niya akalain na ganoon na lang siya kadaling balewalain. Hindi niya akalain na sobrang isasampal sa kanya na wala siyang halaga. Na wala siyang kwenta. Na wala lang siya. Higit pa sa mahigit na isandaang saksak ang natamo niya sa sobrang sakit.

Iiyak iyak siya ngayon kasi sobra siyang nasaktan. Kasi sobra niyang mahal si.. Kasi nawala ung kalahati ng mundo niya. Kasi unti-unti nang pumapasok sa kanya na wala nang magagawa. Kasi ibinuhos niya ang lahat ng kaya niyang ibigay sa kanya, na kahit konti, wala na siyang naitira para sa kanila.

Kung iiyak iyak man siya ngayon, kasalanan din niya. Pero sana, huwag naman isampal ng buong-buo na siya lang ang may kasalanan ng lahat.

Hindi niya alam kung kailan magiging maayos lahat. Kung kailan siya babalik sa dati. Kung hanggang kailang siya iiyak iyak. Pati nga kung magmamahal pa ulit sya, hindi na niya alam. Naiisip na niya, mas mabuti pang mag-isa na lang, kasi yung sarili niya, hindi siya iiwan. Ayaw pa naman niya ang iniiwan. Ayaw na ayaw pa naman niya ang pakiramdam ng nag-iisa. 

Heavy Heart

I still can't get over it. Each time I wake up, it's the first thing that comes into my mind. Then, there's the literal heartache. And then fresh, hot tears.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of having a heavy heart.  But I just can't help it.

After what happened, I stopped believing in happy endings. For I'm now sure that fairy tale-like happy endings are not for me. I stopped planning for myself. For planning will only make you expect, and eventually will hurt you. I stopped being optimistic. For too much happy thoughts will make you forget what reality is. I stopped being happy. For happiness will only make you realize that everytime you're happy, the next thing that will happen will make you sad. Although you're seeing me smiling, you're looking at my mask. For a good smile is a good cover-up. I stopped believing in FOREVER. For in fact, nothing lasts forever. Nothing stays the same as it was. There's before and there's after.

I really don't know if I can still bear this pain. I don't know if I can stand up again and move on. This, what happened between him and I, hit me pretty hard. It crashed me into pieces. I lost myself. I don't know when, and where will I find the pieces.

Deep Pain

I hope you find the strength to start all over again -  Benjamin Button.

I wish I could. I wish I could. 

 

HIndi ko alam kung anong lenggwahe ang gagamitin ko habang isinusulat ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ba mas mailalabas ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Kaya sana, pagpasensyahan niyo na kung pabago-bago ang wikang ginagamit ko.

 

I don’t know where will I start. I don’t know if I can start all over again. I don’t know if I could still bear the pain. Because of what happened last night, this happened. This happened to me. What I’m feeling right is just loneliness. I can’t be mad at him. I am not mad at him. 

Loneliness. Pain. Morose. I can use those words to define my mood right now. My eyes can’t even smile. I am in deep pain and I don’t know how to ease it. 

 

Hindi ko maiwasan na hindi isipin iyong mga nangyari kagabi. HIndi ko maiwasan na hindi isipin kung bakit niya nagawa iyon. KUng bakit kayang kaya niya akong tiisin. KUng bakit bigla na lang nagkaganoon. PInilit kong intindihin kung anu man ang pinagdadaraanan niya. Subalit mukhang hindi naman niya iyon nakikita. HIndi ko na alam ang nangyayari sa akin. Umiiyak na lang ako. Tumutulo iyong luha ko habang nakikinig sa klase. HIndi ko akalain na ganito pala talaga iyong sakit. IYong tipo na sa buong byahe ko pauwi eh umiiyak lang ako. Na habang hinihintay ko iyong mga kaklase ko eh umiiyak na lang ako bigla.

 

It’s hard to pretend you’re happy if you’re really not. Right now, I do not know what true happiness means. I’m not strong. I’m not weak either. I’m just aperson who falls in love. And eventually, gets hurt. 

It feels like I’m facing the consequences on my own.

 

Sa totoo lang, para akong ilang beses sinaksak. Butas butas na iyong katawan ko. Ang sakit-sakit. Sobrang sakit. Kung pwede lang na i-reformat ko ang utak ko, gagawin ko. Para lang makalimutan ko lahat. Para kahit paano,mabago yung tingin ko sa mga bagay-bagay. Kung hindi naman reformat, sana, pwede akong magdelete. Para wala na talaga. KAso hindi. HIndi pwede. HIndi ko kaya. Ang alam ko lang, nasaktan ako ng sobra.

 

I miss the feeling of being loved by someone special but I’m tired of it. Ironic, isn’t? 

 

Hindi ko alam kung maaayos pa ako. Para sa mga taong pagod na sa mga drama ko, pagbigyan nyo muna akong ilabas to. Pagbigyan niyo muna akong mag-inarte sa harap niyo. Baka kasi makatulong to na bumalik ako sa dati,.

Kung iisipin nga, ang babaw lang nito. KAso hindi eh. Ito na yung pinakamasakit. Daig pa nito iyong nalaman ko na niloko lang ako dati. Ang sakit-sakit. 

Kung sa bawat pag-iyak ko, nakakalimutan ko ang lahat, buong buhay ko na ang ibubuhos ko dito. Hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari sa akin.PWedeng bumalik sa dato o hindi niyo na ulit ako makita. Sobra akong naapektuhan sa mga nangyari. Kung mararamdaman niyo lang kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Siguro, maiintindihan niyo kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. 

 

Para sa mga taong unang tumulong sa akin..

UTOT JUDE GELI MYLOVE KATHY: maraming salamat. maraming maraming salamat. hindi niyo alam kung gaano katindi iyong ginawa niyo. salamat. kahit paano, alam ko na tunay ko talaga kayong kaibigan, lalo ka na geli. hindi ko inaasahan iyong kagabi. maraming salamat. jude, isa ka pa. kahit na pinagtatanggol mo pa sya. maraming salamat. kathy, salamat sa pakikinig sa akin kaninang umaga. sobra mo akong pinaiyak pero ok lang. utotmylove, kahit na kung anu2 ang sinasabi niyo sa kanya, mahal ko pa din kayo. maraming salamt ah? maraming salamat. wag kayong magsawang makinig sa kadramahan ko ah? 

 

Ako si Armine. Takot akong mag-isa. Takot akong maiwan.

It's unbearable.

I have a heavy heart. I can't get over it. I can't move on. I'm too much traumatized by what's happening between us. I can't understand his actions. I'm becoming narrow-minded person. I am in so much pain right now. Even crying can't help me. Even my dearest friends can't make me laugh. It may seem that I am overreacting but this is too much. The pain, it's killing me. This is my first time I ever felt this. The feeling of being unwanted by the person you loved the most. Letting this out is not easy. It will never be easy. I hate goodbyes but I have many of those. I'm losing all my hopes. I'm starting to lose myself.

I'm hurt.

He came home early this morning and I haven't receive any of his text as of this moment. I know that I'm not the reason why he's here but am I being too selfish for asking for just one text message from him? I am really hurt because of that action. It makes me realize that there's before and there's after.. nothing stays the same as it was. Something happened before this but I couldn't believe that he is doing this. Two of my very close friends told me that I should not wait, or assume that he will send a text message but I just can't help it. All I know is that I miss him. I want to see him. BUt I guess, he doesn't want to see me. Or keep in touch either. I know, I'm so pathetic, desperate. But this is what I feel.  Right now, I'm not just hurt. But disappointed.. and depressed. This is most hurtful thing he did to me, intentionally or not. The pain is tearing me apart.

Laughtrip.. but MEAN!

Top things to say to a hot guy/girl with an ugly boyfriend/girlfriend:

1. “Pare, mahilig ka pala sa abstract…”

2. “Ay…lugi…”

3. “Tale as old as time…”

4. “Pare, ba’t may ka-holding hands ka na lalaki?”

5. “Tamang-tama miss! Kamukha mo si Heidi Klum…at kamukha naman niya si Seal!”

6. “Sabi ko na nga ba eh, mahilig ka sa inner beauty.”

7. “Uy, hindi pa pala extinct yung ganyan?”

8.  “Idol mo si Andrew E. kaya ka humanap ng pangit?”

9. “Pare ilegal yan, i-surrender mo na yan sa DENR!”

10. “Masarap siya siguro magmahal, no?”

11. “Miss, hindi pa ba nagbabayad ng ransom ang mga relatives mo″

12. “Ikaw naman, nung sinabihan kitang be kind to animals, hindi naman ganyan!”

13. “Magkano inabot?”

14. “Uy, ang cute! Anong breed?”

15. "Aba, aba, aba, true love nga!”

16. “Wow, ang sarap i-photoshop!”

17. “Let me guess, mahaba ang dila niya, noh?”

18. “Sabi ko na nga ba, katawan lang ang habol mo eh!”

19. “Wow, ang sarap ng girlfriend mo…ang sarap sampalin!”

20. “Hoy, mag-sorry ka sa mga mata ko!”

21. “You know, it’s unethical for a doctor to date his patients, especially if you’re a vet.”

22. “Pare, ano siya, mabait o mayaman?”

23. “Wow pare, naks, kamukha ni anne curtis ang girlfriend mo ah…sa kapanerang kuba…”

24. “Wow, mukha palang ulam na! Ulam na panis!”

25. “Hindi ka na ba naawa sa mga magiging anak niyo?”

26. “Pare, Pinoy ka! Pinoy ka! Anong akala mo sa sarili mo, foreigner?”

27. “Nangangagat? Pwedeng hawakan?”

28. “Pare, minsan try mo din yung tao…”

29. “Pare, magiging swan ba yan sa ending?”

30. “Dad! Bilis! Tignan mo yung dala nung mama! Bilis, bigyan mo ng saging!”