Moving Forward

This is my last letter to him. I sent it yesterday [031709] via e-mail. He replied with an SMS this morning [evening there] since his monitor is not yet fixed and more alibis. I appreciated his reply but it's now time to let go.

I didnt edit the content of this letter. I only edited our names here. But for those who know our story, you know who is the person I love the most. The one I'm letting go. 

I just want to share this. Many of friends are telling me to MOVE ON and I am doing it now. I think, this will help. In what way? I have no idea. I am just sure that after this letter, there's no turning back. 

Today is a supposed-to-be-third-year-anniversary day. A supposed-to-be-HIM-and-I day. A supposed-to-be-happy day. Only supposed-to-be's, not reality.

Honestly, I am finding it hard to move one because I want to hold you. I want to keep you. I dont want anybody else but you. But it in our case right now, it's very impossible.

You know what, this is harder than expected. But I agree with you when you decided that we're better off this way so I must deal with this, right? No one is to be blame because we both agreed on this. You didnt insist.

After this day, I'll stop hoping than you and I will be together again. Hoping makes me want to always ask if you're ok. I will just annoy you with my comments and SMSs. I am fully letting you go. I'll pick up the pieces again to make me feel that I am complete even without you.

I know, that will be hard. It is hard to forget the person I loved for more than three years, and will always love. But I have to. I need to, so that you can move forward, not worrying about what I will feel, about me. 

 

This is the hardest decision I have ever made because I know, I will lose the person I love the most. But like what I have said, I have to even if it is against my will. Even if it will hurt me a lot.

 

Let me tell you this for the very last time HIM.

I love you so much baby. Thank you for being a part of me. Thanks a bunch. I have always appreciated you and will always do. I apologize for all the things that made you sad, irritated, angry, frustrated. Ingat, ok? I am always here. I love you.

This is hard you know. I am trying not to cry while I am typing this but the tears kept on falling. Stupid tear glands. Have a nice day HIM Until we meet again.

 

Toxic

Ano ba yan. Patapos na ang ibang school. Nagka-count down na sila para sa summer vacation, samantalang kami, ako, eto at nangangarag pa din sa dami ng requirements na kapag tinamad ako, goodbye dean's list na ang mangyayari sa buhay ko. Toxic na kung tutuusin ang mga pinapagawa sa amin. 

FSTUDY5: Gumawa ng assessment tool na i-implement sa chosen class. Hindi to problema kasi ang bait nung sa school na napuntahan namin. KASO, MONDAY na daw namin i-implement, sabi nung teacher, periodicals na daw kaso. KAMON. Last wednesday lang to sinabi sa amin. Akala namin, next week pa kami gagawa. Ayy grabe naman talaga. Hassle. Buti na lang AC ang REMDENG. Kaya after ASESLE1 [8:00-930] eh punta na agad kami sa KABAYANAN [San Juan] para magturo. Nakakaloka. May hinahabol pa kami pabalik gawa nung sa LANGRES. naloloka na ako ha.

AFROASN: Gumawa ng literary criticism sa alinman sa apat na libro na pinapabasa niya. Yung akin, CONCISE CHINESE-ENGLISH DICTIONARY FOR LOVERS. Erotic. Mawawala ang grammar skills pag binasa ito. Makikita ang difference ng Western and Eastern Culture. Anyway, ok naman sana to kaso. WALA AKONG BACKGROUND KUNG PAANO MAG CRITIQUE NG ISANG LITERARY TEXT. Ang inaasahan ko kasi na magtuturo sa amin, itago na lang natin sa pangalan MS. CUTIFY-YOUR-WORK, eh pinagturo ba naman kami sa mga LIT CLASSES nang hindi man lang kami tinuturuan kung paano ang magturo ng lit. Ayos di ba? Sa ngayon, medyo ngarag pa ako kasi hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapasok ung theory ko. Tapos, nahihirapan akong magpaliwanag. Sana, matapos ko to ngayon para mamaya, FILKOMU naman.

FILKOMU: Sagutan ang mga tanong tungkol sa pinanood na dula, SAN TAYO DADALHIN NG DISYEMBRE?. Nakakalito ung play, pero ok lang naman siya. Nahihirapan lang ako dun sa pali-paliwanag. HIndi naman kasi ako nakinig ng ayos. Nakakaantok eh. Tapos, wala. Hindi ko feel ang mga ganitong activity. Aanhin pa ba nila ang opinyon kung hindi naman nila babaguhin ung paraan ng pagpapalabas nila?

EDUCRSC: hay. ITO ANG PINAKABORING NA CLASS NA NAPASUKAN KO, EVER! Pag ito nang klaseng to, wala, TIME FLIES REAL SLOW. Grabe. Wala. Wala akong natututunan dito. Nagkakaroon lang ako ng kasalanan pag anfito ako sa klaseng ito. Grabe talaga.EDNA-MODE. HIndi ko siya kinakaya. Paano pa kaya namin matatapos ang aming research study kung puro sya lecture ng mga bagay na sa tingin ko, makakalimutan din namin? Anu ba yan! 

LANGRES: Isa pa to. NAloloka na ako sa mga RRL. Sana kasi, imbes na pinagreport niya kami ay eto na lang iyung pinagawa niya kasi kinakapos na kami sa oras. Magsasara na yung mga schools kasi summer vacation na. Naloloka na talaga ako ah. TAMA BANG PAGSABAYIN ANG 2 RESEARCH COURSE SA ISANG TERM???????

REMDENG: Ang aming case study class. Naaawa na ako sa participant namin kasi parang nabibigyan din namin sya ng extra work load. Pero babawi na lang kami sa kanya sa pamamagitan ng token of appreciation. Anyway, buti at medyo naayos na namin to ni mylove. Sinisimulan ko na din kasi ayaw ko nang magcram. Pati kailangan kong bumawi. Ito ang magsasalba sa grade ko.

ASESLE1: Ang TEST PROJECT. Haaay. Tinatamad akong mag-edit pero kailangan. Anu ba yan. Pero kung tutuusin, ams madali to kesa dun sa class ni Mr. MAGNO. Numbers. Graph. Kurtosis. WAAAH! Nakakaloka! Masaya na ako kay Ms. Lara :D

KASPIL2: WAAAH. Patapos na ang term ay hindi pa rin namin narereceive iyung mail galing sa kanya. Hindi pa rin namin nasasagutan iyung mga research questions at nakakagwa ng written report. Grabe talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. MAy jinx ata mga account namin. Yung sa group lang namin iyung hindi niya nasesendan. Feeling na niya siguro, pinagkakaisahan na namin siya. BOO.

Kailan kaya matatapos ang term na to? Ito na kasi ang pinaka sa lahat. Grabe. Hassle. Hinahanda na kami sa hassle THIRD YEAR LIFE. Sana kayanin ko pa, namin. Woo!

It's done.

im goddamned disappointed with you. you proved me wrong. i feel so stupid. i always accept your alibis. i never asked you to explain. i am freaking mad. i dont know if i did something wrong. i have no idea. all i know is that im really annoyed with what YOU ARE DOING. i guess, we’re not really for each other. why try to make it work if it really won’t work? damnit. you know how much i love. my life would suck without. but i have to face this on my own. YOU HAVE BEEN SO INSENSITIVE. i font have to tell you the instances that you’ve been like that. i hate you. you didnt even care. you know what, i think that im the one who is selfish in our relationship because i keep think that you should do this and that. that you should act like this and that. but in the end, i realized that i should not do that. why? because i loved you the way you are. changes are not needed, only imrovements and adjustments. and besides, if you will change, you’re not the same person i lovef before. but now. after what you’re doing, i think that you’re the one who is selfish. you know what, what im feeling right is too hard to release that it is killing me. you mean everything to me but you just throw that away., thanks for that v, you made me realize how stupid i am to give everything to the one who is not willing or even open to give the same amount of love. thank you.

Anxiety Attack

The feeling of being left behind starts to haunt me.

He’ll leave again for London this Friday. And it’s not yet sure when will he be back, this coming July or January next year due to family reasons. Boo.

It’s his third time to leave for London. It’s the third time that he’ll leave me. And yet, the sadness is still there. 

Right now, I cant help but cry. Weird. It’s not the first time but I dont want him to leave. BUt like what he’s always telling me, he has to. I dont know why is this happening to me. I guess, it’s because I consider him as my other half. The half that makes me complete. It seems like  I am dependent to him but it is just because no one understands me the way he do.

By the time he’s on his way back to London, everything will not be the same. Although we dont see each other everyday and just send SMSs, it’s still better. it feels like he is so near that I can just go to his house and surprise him. Unlike when he’s in London. It’s a thousand miles away from here. From me. 

Long distance relationship is not easy as it looks like. It takes a lot of effort. Patience. Trust. Communication and Love. I hope we make it till the end. 

PS:  I’ll miss him a lot. :And I love him so much.

Acceptance

I just can’t stop loving that man of mine. Or shall I say, my former man? 
It’s a phase I don’t know if I can move on to the next one. Everytime I decide to begin a new life, the not-so-good memories flash bak.Evrytime I try to be happy, tears start to flow. Everytime I try to forget whathappened, what had been said and done start to run in my mind. Everytime I try to sleep peacefully at night, his face suddenly appear in my dreams. Everytime I tell myself that I’ll be all right, I just know that I’m just pretending.

Harsh words were spoken and actions were done. Those can’t be taken back anymore. Those already stabbed me pretty hard. The good thing is that the wounds start to dry up and soon, will be scars. Scars that will remind me of everything since the day we realized that we’re somehow meant for each other.

Now, there’s no need for patching things up, just closure. For in fact, nothing’s gonna be the same. Just have to accept the fact that we already reached the end. Life goes on no matter what happened. Every after fall, I should always stand up.

Through skinned knees and wounded heart, I already learned my lesson. Life is too beautiful to waste so I should make the most out of it. If this didn’t work, maybe the next one will. I already realized what my shortcomings are. What I should change and improve. A relationship is a two-way thing. Both of you should benefit from it. In our case, we have too much differences that we could not resolve anymore. At least, I have no regrets.

HE has been the BEST BOYFRIEND I ever had. Bitter? Of course, not. I’m sayingit from my heart. I will really miss him. I had a great time spending an almost three year relatiionship with him. Though our relationship is like a “switch”, we know that we’re true to each other. I just love you, bhy. I really do.

I know, I’m getting there.